My favorite Kyrgyz driving game: Pass/Don't Pass

I've spent a fair amount of my time in Kyrgyzstan riding in cars going from one place to another for work-related business. To pass the time, I can't play my favorite driving game, which is "license plate lotto" as 99.99% of the vehicles' plates are Kyrgyz; no cars from Turkmenistan, Afghanistan or Idaho to be found, so that game gets dull pretty quickly.

Conversation with the hired drivers usually ends after 1.4 seconds on average:

Driver: Здравствуйте

Erik: Hello

End of conversation.

So, that means something else must done to pass the time on these drives across Kyrgyzstan. Luckily for me, virtually every hired driver in the Kyrgyz Republic is a wildly enthusiastic participant in what has certainly become my very favorite driving game of all time: Pass/Don't Pass. The premise of the game is really quite simple. Every Kyrgyz driver will make unceasing efforts to pass any vehicle that impedes his forward progress, while every English-speaking passenger will make all possible effort to send mental messages to the driver in the hope of conveying the message "Don't Pass." Passengers are allowed to shout, gasp, or scream final messages to the Supreme Being of their choice, but only three times in any given journey, so one must use these exclamations wisely in order to avoid penalty.

Today's game features one of my favorite drivers: Bekbol. Readers of this blog will remember Bekbol for his amazing feat of driving 500 kilometers over rugged roads at very high speeds on a temporary tire designed to travel only 50 kilometers. As an added challenge, Bekbol is driving a vehicle with the steering wheel on the right side, making it even more difficult to see cars coming when he tries to pass on the left. At least, on the passenger side, I will have a perfectly clear view of what is bearing down upon us. Is everyone ready to play Pass/Don't Pass?

ROUND 1: DOUBLE VEHICLE PASS

Two vehicles to pass

Bekbol has the chance to pass two vehicles, including a rare Kazakh driver who has dared venture onto Kyrgyz roadways (extra points potential for Bekbol). However, Erik notices that Bekbol is going much too slowly to get the momentum up for a double-vehicle pass and there are oncoming vehicles on the horizon.

Erik's Verdict: DON'T PASS

Bekbol's Descison: PASS

Bekbol fails to pass

The result:  DON'T PASS.  Despite Bekbol crowding his way toward the center line, the oncoming grey van was sufficient deterrent to keep him from passing.

Scoring:  5 points for Erik as the pass was not completed. 0 points for Bekbol as he clearly had just enough space to have squeezed between the two vehicles in front of him and the oncoming ones if he had just shown a bit more initiative.


ROUND 2: ULTRA-SLOW FARM MACHINERY

The 98th slow-moving piece of farm equipment we encountered along the way

Slow moving farm machinery ahead. However, the road is wide and clear sailing is on the horizon.

Erik's verdict: PASS

Bekbol's decision:  PASS

The easiest pass one could ever possibly have

The result:  PASS, as easy a maneuver as one could hope for on a Kyrgyz highway.

Scoring: 10 points to Erik for finally manning up and showing some bravery. 15 points for Bekbol as not only did he pass the farm machinery successfully, but he was also able to drive unimpeded in the left lane for over a kilometer, apparently just for the hell of it.


ROUND 3: DILAPIDATED DUMP TRUCK

If there is a dump truck in Kyrgyzstan capable of traveling at speeds over 20 kilometers per hour, I have not yet encountered it. 

Another ancient, tortoise-like dump truck crosses our path. The road is bumpy and cars are coming, clearly not an opportunity for passing.

Erik's verdict: DON'T PASS

Bekbol's decision: PASS

Passing on the right! What a daring gambit on Bekbol's part.

The result:  PASSING ON THE RIGHT.  Bekbol comes through with an amazing ploy: if you can't pass on the left, traverse the gravel shoulder and pass on the right.

Scoring:  Bekbol kills it this round with his unexpected maneuver. 25 points for Bekbol. Erik gets -5 points for his lack of imagination and for uttering "what the hell" just as Bekbol began his move and for complaining aloud about his bruised kidneys after they were jarred severely while bouncing along the pothole-filled gravel shoulder. Two negative utterances in a single round will always get points deducted.


ROUND 4: JUMBLED MESS AS EVERYONE TRIES TO PASS WHILE THE ROAD SIMULTANEOUSLY NARROWS FROM TWO LANES TO ONE

Two oncoming marshrutkas with no place to go

The title of the round speaks for itself. No wise driver would interject himself into this mess by attempting to pass, but I can see Bekbol's fingers twitching, I think he is itching to make a dramatic move and possibly force the oncoming marshrutkas off the highway.

Erik's verdict: For the love of God, DON'T PASS, PLEASE.

Bekbol's decision: PASS, I wouldn't be a Kyrgyz driver if I thought otherwise.

A more-daring Kyrgyz driver squeezes past us on the left, before Bekbol can make his move

The result: Utter humiliation for Bekbol.  The worst thing that can happen to a driver in the game of Pass/Don't Pass.  Someone actually passes Bekbol first.

Scoring:  -20 points for Bekbol as he allowed the unthinkable to happen. 10 points for Erik for witnessing the calamity. Erik would have received 15 points, but laughing at a Kyrgyz driver when someone passes him will always get you a 5 point deduction for poor sportsmanship.


THE FINAL RESULT OF THIS GAME OF PASS/DON'T PASS

And the winner is: both of us.  Because we made it to our final destination unscathed, and in one piece, we both were declared winners. The game of Pass/Don't Pass might be the only contest on the planet where you root for everyone to have an undefeated season.

Next up in the Kyrgyz Pass/Don't Pass schedule is the highly anticipated and infinitely more entertaining winter season of the game where ice and snow and sleet are added to the mix just to maximize the challenge and level of fun. Can't wait for that.